My Life

Tuesday May 17, 2011

RANDOM RANT:

      So, i guess that shit really does end up bitng you in the ass in the end and OF COURSE! i have to learn this lesson the hard way. Somehow I lost myself in deep thoughts last night, well more of memories i guess you can say, flashbacks? Ok well I mean I was thinking about it and i really do miss EVERYONE and I had so many loyal and trusting people in my life who just randomly got up and left, or maybe I left? But i didn’t leave them, i left the drama, the liars, the disloyal people. And all the true people just somehow disappeared.. Makes no sense right! I mean someone who’s supposed to be “FOREVER” and then only MONTHS pass… and they just lose all connection? WTF right. And you can call it being selfish or not taking any of the blame but i’m not because I didn’t do anything but go somewhere to better my own well being AND WHO’S TO SAY THAT’S A BAD THING! So i’m sorry to whom ever i may have offened or hurt along my way, but i think that they should have been happy for me. Then again this is high school and people come and go then they become memories, just another memorie, just another good time, just an old picture. So when people say “i will always be there” how do we know it’s real? i mean yes granted we’re young and all but we shouldn’t use words like forever, right? or always. or never. because we never know where we’re gonna end up.

SERIOUS SHIT: HAHA :D

   Ok so my english teacher gave us an assingment to write about what it’s like to live in san jose and the stories could be real or made up. BUT he’s gonna assume that it’s made up, and i’m thinkning about writing about my life (well my earlier years) but i don’t know what the other story should be i don’t wanna make the entire thing so sad, but MY life in san jose is just struggles that i’ve been through between friends, my parents, and the rest of my clinicly INSANE family. it’s just a big choice to make. and when i do write it what if my family wants to read it? how will they react? will they deny the truth CALL MY STORIES LIES! just because they all know about the horrible truth?!?! I think so, so even if this is THEE BEST PIECE OF ART EVER! or even the worst, it’ll remain in the dark… a shadow of existance. Just another homework assingment. Even if i wanna try to post up a rough draft.

Rough Draft:

5:30 am. The sounds of the screams from the other room drowned out my alarm, start of another day. I wish they would stop fighting.. that’s their son, why do they hate him? He’s my only brother.

6:00 pm. Schools out and he’s missing again? Mom is just scremaing on the phone at him.

“THEN YOU CAN JUST NOT COME BACK HOME!” WAIT WHAT?! he’s leaving.. uh-oh. Who’s she gonna take shit out on now. where’s he gonna be! i’ll call my dad later.

8:00 pm. *Ring *ring *ring. humm.. no answer i hope he’s okay.

And that’s when it happened. the rest of my life had changed with just one argument, my older brother left when he was 16, he was a strong person i remeber seeing him being practically beat unconcious, banged head against the wall, tears, bruises. Then kicked out. she practically hated him and i never understood why all i kmew was to back down from her and stay down, HA afraid of the same person who’s gaven me life.

Two years later:

I went to school today with a bleeding lip. i told everyone that i was walking and i got jumped. But she lost it again, this time in the car in public i can feel them staring at the giant popped blood vesle in my eye. Do they believe me? 4th period comes by and i’m spent, so tired,drained. I made new friends some older kids who said they go through the same thing but they know a better way of dealing with it. Thet pulled something out of their pocket, a pill? What is a pain killer gonna do? But the moment i take it i’m wrapped up in a feeling, no! a sensation like no other. I feel so alive so much energy. Nothing can stop me. What? theres more? They pulled out a plastic bag but i can’t make up what’s in it. WAIT, i know what’s in there but i’ve only heard of it, never have i touched it or smelled…. UGH! smells like a skunk. They hold the piece up to my lips and show me how to inhail, FUCK i why am i choking! now this feeling, sensation is amped. I’m on a new level. Everything is so slow my heart is beating so fast, i feel like everyone is staring at me. Do they know? will she know?

5:30. Time for her to pick me up, ok ok just breathe and act normal. Man i’m so tired. i’ll just go home and sleep it off. phew finally home, uuhh i don’t feel so good. i don’t remember where the bathroom is. why is my stomach ….. whoa.. what’s a lot of throw up.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!  you knwo where the bathroom is, are you stupid!” all i can do is look at her. she hits me, damn they were right i don’t feel anthing. i’m alredy numb. i pick myself up off the floor and go to my room and just sleep. peacfull because nothing can touch me, nothing can make me hurt. Just wake up and do it all over again.

October:

Somehow i convinced her on letting me go out with some friends to a “football game”. We went to the game early just to get the stamp proof i went. That’s where I met him. Righ away i was in love, i should have dressed better. We’re walking out on the street, slighlty drunk trying to obtain my conposure, somehow i’m too high to function. What street am i on?  W H I T E R O A D. what time is it? 10:00pm. FUCK! she’ll be here any min, and she’ll smell it on me. I grab ali’s phone

“Hello”
“mom?”
“yah i’m on my way”
“Oh uhhm. about that can i spend the night with alison?”
“….Fine, just get a ride home”
“thank you!” Click!
Free for the night! free to stare at him, free to live, free of pain.

Sunday. Nov. 28th, 2010

Random thought:

So people say that they do things “out of the goodness of their hearts”. but they expect something BACK?! WTF.! it’s like okay yes i know it feels good to get noticed for the good things that we do for people but when you’re making a fuss over not getting anything back it makes your good deed, less. I don’t know in my opinion it’s just not right, even more so when it’s FAMILY that you’re doing it for.

Family:

AHH, we love them, we hate them, secretly we can’t live without them. Honestly i think that we all take our family for granted, expecially the ones who do the most for us. Now don’t get me wrong we don’t all do it, but i think most of us do it. and it’s not the best thing in the world, for the ones who are being used. 

Friends:

How do you know when you have REAL friends? YOU DON’T ha.! that’s the thing we never really know when our friends are true,(well not right away) i think we all just get too attached to each other too fast, suddenly people that we JUST MET become our best friends, that’s how drama starts, my advice is that just slowly get to know people. it’s a lesson that I’ve had to learn the hard way. And i wish someone would have told me this in the begining.

Relationships:

Okay my whole view on the really doesn’t make any sense, because it’s like I LOVE being in a relationship but at the same time i enjoy my single life because there isn’t any one else to really worry about (as selfish as that might sound) but at the same time i think we all need that companionship in our lives. So it’s really a a bitter sweet kinda thing.

MY LIFE:

Ok so recently i’ve basically had to start my ENTIRE life over, or at least that’s what it feel like. I moved houses, New schools, New people, New adjustments. it’s all became kinda odd to me and kinda OVERWHELMING! because i had to do all of this at 16, if you ask me that’s kinda a EARLY age to “start a new life”. But don’t get me wrong the baggage from my old one still lurks around with me it’s just a matter if i wanna ignore it or not. So let me just say this there is no strong bond then a mother and her daughter. because no matter what through all the fights and the problems, and the tears. i still love my mom more then anything else in this world. and everyday that goes by i miss her more and more. but the fact that i just don’t wanna go back kinda kills me at the same time i know it’s for the best, for the both of us. it wasn’t the easiest choice either. so now i’m at my new house with a whole new set of people and i mean i really can’t complain because it’s good to be here but at the same time i was still trying to hold on to my old life, only recently did i kinda let everything go, (people) I.E “friends” well the ones who were never really friends to me in the first place, i changed my attitude.i wanna be the person that everyone said they know i could be, now i’m not doing it for them i’m doing this for me.

Thursday. Nov 25th, 2010

 WOW.!

so after a hecktic few weeks i think i finally found some stability in my life, 

I’m at a house where i don’t have to worry if I’ll be staying the night or if I’ll have to find somewhere for a night. The school I’m at is like a fresh slate, I don’t know anyone and no one knows the rumors about me. so i guess sometimes people do get second chances and mine was well deserved and ERNED! although i think I’ll miss the excitment of how i used to live, the normity of the way I’m living now is kinda nice too, My love life(not  uch of it) i think i like it this way better it took me a while but being single isn’t as bad as i always felt when i was. i like only having to worry about me, i mean i honestly think i deserve to be a little selfish after everything that i’ve had gone through over all these years. i feel like I’m growing up the RIGHT way and at the right speed. took me a while that being grown isn’t the things you do but the way you think, i have definatly matured. and DRAMA FREE! I’ve swallowed my stupid pride and just dropped the stupid little tension that i had with people that really meant nothing in the first place, i’d rather have good aquantices then fake best friends…

HAPPY TURKEY DAY EVERYONE! (:

Tuesday. Oct.5th 2010

   Ok so have you ever had one of those feelings where your kind of like UHMM o.0

but not in a good way, Even worse when you know what the thing is that’s giving you that feeling and you do NOTHING TO FIX IT!

Wednsday, July 28,2010

  Forgiveness might be one of the hardest things that anyone at any age has to do. It’s something that you have to learn, Not just another lesson. It’s more like a feeling then anything. We all want to be forgived but never forgive ourselves. but it’s a two way street. In order to be forgiven you have to know what it is yourself.

Friday, July 23,2010

  Stupid mistakes cause smart people to go down stupid paths that they don’t realize. Then when they come from the path they realize that the only way to get out of the stupid mistake is to start all over.

  That’s what i plan on doing, starting over i made a few choices in my life i’m not so proud of and that i thought i’d be able to control when i was in that situation. But what can i say i’m only human. It took me a while to realize that i wanted to get out of the place that i’m in, once your a certian way for a long time it’s hard to get out. No i’m not talking about drugs or drinking, but something just as addicting, making the wrong choices for me. Yes at the time it seems like it’s going to be a good idea but in the long run all the lies that i’ve had to say to cover it all, all the guilt that i’ve had to deal with, everytime i’ve hurt myself because of the things i’ve done. Honestly it’s not worth it. Most of my young life i’ve always waited to be near this age when i’m an  almost adult and i could do alot but still not get into any real trouble because i still had my parents. So now that i’m at this age..it sucks, i think about all i’ve done and the life that i’ve created for myself, every problem and complication that i’ve had to deal with because of MY CHOICES nothing seems worth it anymore i’d rather go back to being a little kid and not knowing any better. If there was a way to go back i would, i would have done EVERYTHING differently. But since i can’t my only choice now is to learn from my mistakes take whatever punishment that i have to and MOVE ON.

Friday, July 23,2010

  So i guess i never really realized how much i hated the current life i had. I mean yes, ok , I know people will say it’s a teenager thing and maybe it is. To be 100% honest I don’t have it THAT bad, But what I do have to put up with is well CRAP! Don’t get me wrong I know theres a reason for everything I do, and Yes it is showing me responsabilty but still I’M ONLY 15. If I do say so myself I have alot on my plate look i’m gratefull for everything that I have and everyone in my life but sometimes it just gets to be too much for me and I already have 1001 other things in my personal life to worry about then it goes to my home life and when school starts up again I have that to worry about. School drama, Home drama, Personal drama:P can you say LAME! L-A-M-E LAMMMEE!!

-School

So even though school hasn’t even started I already have people who hate me even though i’m going to a new school, I’m NO NEW KID eveyone either knows me or they’ve heard of me, not all good things might i remind you. So now I have to avoid getting into fights with random people and stay focused on my school work!?!?! HOW ANNOYING! and I mean yea i could just focus on my work and ignore everyone else but what does that do for me? NOTHING! so what’s the point? I know i’m not going to start anything but i’m not affraid to finish it.

-Home

Every teens most talked about topic, Look no one’s life is perfect and i can accept it but perfection is all about the person who’s looking at the situation and NO MY LIFE IS SO FAR FROM PERFECT! Yes it’s partly my fault because hey i’m only human and i’m going to make mistakes, not to mention i’m a bit of a troublemaker, So with that in mind what for one minute makes my parents think that i’ll be good?!?!? GET OVER YOURSELF!

Thursday, July 22,2010

  Okay so this time i don’t really have anything really random to rant about, or give my views on, or even COMPLAIN about.-which is what i’m doing half the time- No what i have to say is much much more serious.

  So last night I was having a hard time breathing-i have asthma-so I called my friend Bryan to help calm me down because he knows the feeling and he’s the only one I could bug at 12’oclock in the morning. So as i’m having it i had a thought, why was i struggling to breath if fate might want me dead! Why was I dealing with everyone else’s BULLSHIT if all it takes is one day without my inhailer and a quick run? I could end it all and not have to worry about anyone or anything anymore. I could easily please everyone if i just left, Not like anyone really cares, They NEED ME they don’t want me-yes there is a difference-so what was I putting myself through all of this for? And me being me i said some of this out loud, he heard me and told me to shut the FUCK up, I asked him why? and he said to just stop talking like that. then i thought about it. there is so many innocent people in my life that i don’t wanna hurt, I wouldn’t want someone to have this hurt and pain i have, because of me. the good thoughts got beat by the bad. Yet as he was talking to me i caught my breath and i felt normal again. I think it takes alot of love for a person like him to deal with me and everything that i’ve put him through all the stress and everything else, then i thought how selfish i would be to just leave him. To make everything he delt with for nothing. so this is for Bryan the person who is keeping me here:)

Wednsday, July 21,2010

-Family.

After spending a day with my family i think i’m finally starting to realize what everyone means by enjoy the little things in life. We all fight and argue and don’t get along most of the time but that’s what all famliy’s do. It’s nature when you have a BIG group of people who are EXACTLY alike of course your going to bump heads, you have to take the good with the bad not all times are going to be happy ones. Yes, pride does get in the way and it comes out alot when we fight but it takes a strong family to say hey we’re both wrong and just GET OVER IT!

-Friends.

  OK so i think it’s funny how we say that EVERYONE is our best friend. Personally i do it sometimes i can admit it, But i really have only one true best friend and it’s wierd because she’s HUNDREDS miles away,texas to be exact. What is a best friend? Some one who is there for you? Not really that’s what friends are for. Someone who you can tell EVERYTHING to? Kinda but you can still JUST HAVE FRIENDS for that. Someone who will love you unconditionally? YES! Through all the fights and the he said she said CRAP a best friend is supposed to be there with you through it all someone who will accept you when no one else does, or in my case someone who will do the most RETARTED things with you! NOT CARE WHAT OTHERS SAY.(I LOVE YOU CHAVANTE!)